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(Well, so far...)
Break ups can be quite literally painful, but some are much more painful than others. Some get us really, really stuck. Naturally, when going through the break-up recovery program with clients, I’m helping them process this loss and pain. I recently found myself thinking, what helped me the most in the times I really couldn’t let go…? And it hit me. There was a huge difference between letting go of what was healthy love, and what was an attachment. Ironically enough, it was the attachments that were the most painful. Wait...what?! (I only realized this as I reflected upon it…) How can that be? Real love is love. It doesn’t end. It might change form, but it’s still there. The relationship may have ended, but love and respect remain. Real love had natural endings - you either grew together or you grew apart. You could usually make sense of the ending...even if it didn't feel right, or if you didn't want it. But attachments, it was so hard to understand an ending because there was nothing natural about it. It was abrupt. It felt forced. Likely, it was out of your control. There is nothing natural about relationships with deep rooted attachments ending, so they usually don’t make sense. The only natural ending to an attachment is to realize that it’s an attachment and to address and heal that part of you. But if you don’t know that you are attached to someone, you can’t see it (yet)… so you stay stuck, you can’t move on... (Later on, when you have learned about attachments, you can’t UN-see that…so this can be a huge lesson.) There is usually trauma involved with attachments. Usually a broken part of your ego that needs some sort of validation from this person or situation. And that is why when that validating part leaves, it hurts even more…it opens up old, unresolved wounds (rejection, abandonment, fear of being alone, etc). And that was the other part. With the ending of healthy relationships, came heartbreak. But with attachments, came a bruised ego. Initially, it felt like heart break…but, was it actually just rejection? Because those two things are different. (Again, if you know, you know…) It’s not to say that healthy, loving relationships that ended weren’t sad… they were very sad. But the pain of breaking of up with someone you are attached to, hurts our egos. The pain is because you have made it deeply personal (“I wasn’t this enough”), so you beat yourself up. We claim we aren’t “good enough”. And ouch - yeah… that hurts. Love, we can separate it from who we are…attachments, it’s all about who we are – and who we think we are not when they walk away… With an attachment, when the person left, the validation left. The validation that you were enough. That person's presence was doing it for you…hence why when they left, the "love" for you left, because you didn’t have any love for yourself. If we feel that person took part of our own self away when they left, you can see how that would be painful… but the thing is, we probably weren’t happy with ourselves before they were ever in the picture. And actually, rather than that person rejecting us, we have really been rejecting ourselves. Without their presence and validation, we start to hear that voice again. “See…? You’re not good enough.” In fact, you aren’t X enough…fill in the blank with whatever area you tend to beat yourself up in. “I wasn’t enough for them to stay…” More painful than a broken heart is a broken ego. Thoughts we might have when healthy loving relationships end… “We aren’t a good fit.” “Our timing just isn’t right.” “We both want different t things right now/ we are at different states of life.” (True love will make you want to want that for them, which makes it more love focused than pain focused, even though you may still be devastatingly sad.) “If it’s meant to be it will work out… it will come back around if it’s meant to.” Thoughts we might have when attachment is involved: “I wasn’t good enough for them." “I knew they were going to leave me.” “I should have done X better.” “If only I…” “I’m nothing without them…” It’s not the break-up that’s the most painful… it’s the story about what you make the break-up mean about you that either helps you grow or keeps you stuck. I’m not sure if this is helpful, because if you don’t get it yet, you won’t. But if you know what I mean, you know this is a lesson that you can’t unlearn, and it will protect you in the future. There is still meaning and fulfillment in loving relationships that end. But with the end of an attachment, we feel broken. Because we made it mean something about us. Something that made us not good enough. That we could have or should have been “more”. We aren’t loving ourselves as we are, and therefore, when the person leaves, it feels like a part of us leaves, too. Ouch... (The Break Up Recovery Program covers a lot of impactful exploratory exercises in 6 sessions.) Click here if you need some support.
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Psychologist Dr. Becky made a very interesting point in a podcast I listened to recently. At her private practice in Manhattan, her clients seemed to tick all the boxes - they were successful, had good jobs, decent upbringings… but they seemed to be unhappy, and couldn't figure out why. At first you would assume that maybe there was something in their childhood (and therefore still in their subconscious) that might be contributing to their unhappiness, but it was actually the opposite - they all remembered quite loving, easy, fulfilled childhoods. Their parents “gave them everything”. She found that if a parent’s only goal was to make their child happy, it set them up for being unhappier adults. How? Well, "little Tommy" didn’t make the local soccer team. Disappointment. Dad swoops in, drives him 45 minutes each way to play for another team. Problem fixed. Happy kid. Jenny dropped her ice cream. Tears. Mom immediately buys a new one. Happy. In both of these circumstances, disappointment was 1) short, and 2) always followed (and relatively quickly followed) by happiness. There was never a need to sit in the uncomfortable emotion (and reality) of let down, disappointment, sadness… So as adults, not only have they become uncomfortable sitting in uncomfortable emotions, when it’s also not then followed by happiness, things feel unresolved. Something isn’t right. Sure, we don’t LIKE to see our kids unhappy, but I guess my point is, have comfort in knowing that when they are, they are learning a major life lesson - to deal with difficult emotions - and that may give them the ability to be “happier” adults. Immediately solving their problems robs them of building their self-confidence (and emotional intelligence). If you want your kids to be happy, “Happiness lies in your ability to sit in the divine unknown*.” (*Unknown = the muck, the ick, the crappy feelings…) Help them do THAT. But guess what? The SAME GOES FOR ADULTS!! As a parent, it helps me find more comfort in watching Rome struggle with emotions (and being told NO, ha!) but as an adult, it helps me make sense of my own ability to be happy. Rather than decide uncomfortable feelings are bad, and happy feelings are GOOD, realize that the whole spectrum of emotions is part of the reality of life. It's not good or bad, it's normal. Get comfortable with it. (I then stumbled across Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside, where she reiterates the same thing. Whether you have kids or not, I think for adults who read this book, it helps them understand so much about themselves and how they learned to process (or not process) their own emotions. It's a great book for self-development in general, to help peel back another layer of what has made you, you.) |
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May 2025
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